“Stage 4 peritoneal carcinomatosis of unidentified origin.”
The aerial successful my eating country abruptly felt stagnant and murky. My wife, my ma and I sat astatine our dining-room array successful a Zoom gathering room, staring astatine the doc who was delivering the worst quality imaginable from a tiny quadrate connected my laptop. Before I could utter a sound, she confirmed my fear: “It’s highly precocious stage, I’m precise sorry.” I shoved my seat distant and ran sobbing up the stairs. I could not adjacent console my mom.
I conscionable wanted to spell backmost successful clip and alteration the inevitable ending, arsenic if it was each conscionable a horrific communicative I was reading. I grew up successful the 1980s, raised connected the “Choose Your Own Adventure” publication series, wherever I could power the ending by changing the trajectory astatine the extremity of each chapter. I was fascinated by the thought that a tiny, seemingly incidental enactment could alteration the people of the story, and yet the outcome.
On that time successful May 2020, my ma became the protagonist successful her ain escapade story. She was diagnosed with late-stage ovarian cancer. She was lone 68 and had galore adventures up of her. We made a pact that time to warrant 1 happening wrong the unpredictable crippled ― the ending to her ain story.
Following her devastating diagnosis, she emphatically chose life. “Meggie, I’m ready,” she told me. “We got this! I americium not going anywhere.” Choosing to combat for your beingness is not an escapade for the faint of heart, and my ma was a spirited warrior.
The archetypal twelvemonth of our travel did not deficiency excitement. There was darkness, pain, countless hospitals visits, and adjacent unexpected joy. Mom ended her archetypal circular of chemo aft six months with her tone intact, and with the content she slayed her crab dragons. She dilatory recovered from the wreckage of chemo, her antecedently perfectly colored hairsbreadth began to turn backmost arsenic shiny and reflective arsenic armor, and we began to acclimate to a somewhat little aggravated adventure.
Courtesy of Meghan Reese
We thought we yet had the storybook ending that kept america hopeful during the roller coaster thrust known arsenic crab treatment.
Fast-forward respective chapters, and a instrumentality to the infirmary with undiagnosable pain. No crab was detected aft months of infirmary stays, scans and tests. Finally we were fixed a origin for the pain: gallstones. We cheered for gallstones successful the glass-walled vessel that was her ER room. We were truthful relieved, and country was scheduled for the adjacent week.
Then we received a telephone from her oncologist.
“It’s not gallstones,” we were told. “The crab has returned.”
One twelvemonth astir to the week aft Mom’s archetypal diagnosis successful 2020, we had to reread the chemo chapter.
“This clip we are going to enactment chemo and crab astir our lives, not the different mode around,” I said, lasting chivalrously successful beforehand of my ma successful the oncology office. However, my ma ne'er needed to beryllium defended oregon saved. She was ever her ain leader and she fought valiantly passim the 2nd round. We experienced different twelvemonth of adventures. In betwixt chemo, our household drank margaritas connected the beach, we frolicked successful the mountains, and we fished by a compartment connected the lake. We decided not to simply past but to thrive.
It was not until aboriginal 2022 that we were forced to look the inevitable extremity of our adventure.
“The ovarian crab is really stable, but your ma has developed triple-negative bosom cancer,” the doctors told us.
I stared astatine my beautiful, healthy-looking mom, wholly stunned. What a cruel crippled twist.
“Perhaps it hasn’t deed maine yet, but I consciousness blessed with my life, and I cognize it’s conscionable my clip soon,” she said. She leaned connected our room antagonistic and tucked her recently grown salt-and-pepper hairsbreadth down her ear, arsenic she alternated betwixt crying and laughing.
Courtesy of Meghan Reese
It was my top grant to witnesser her strength, her vulnerability, her honesty, and to person journeyed alongside her for truthful long. On that day, the villain successful her communicative shifted from crab and its attraction to the fearfulness of dying. It was not leaving this Earth that frightened her, but the unknowns of her specific, idiosyncratic dying process and its interaction connected us. She hoped for bid for her family, who would ticker her die.
My ma chose what’s known arsenic medical assistance successful dying ― a ineligible aesculapian process that allows terminally sick patients to self-ingest a medicine provided by a doc to dice peacefully successful their slumber connected their ain timeline. It was the finale she wanted for her 70-year adventure.
She was steadfast successful her content that dying from crab did not person to beryllium synonymous with suffering. She ne'er asked, until that moment, if I approved of the ending she chose for herself. “Momma, I americium truthful arrogant of you,” I told her, emphasizing that she was making the astir courageous and loving determination for herself.
She lowered her caput and softly cried. We discussed the program for a small, peaceful ceremony, utilizing at-home hospice, that my wife, our 2 young boys and I would beryllium a portion of. We would accidental our perfectly timed farewells astatine location successful bid earlier she took the deadly, self-given cocktail amid a backdrop of lavender scents, soothing euphony and prayers.
Two oncologists confirmed that she had little than six months to unrecorded (a request for aesculapian assistance successful dying). She was sent location connected hospice to die, and we maintained anticipation that the aesculapian assistance successful dying enactment would beryllium approved for her, and our ending would beryllium the 1 we truthful desperately wanted. Many of the aesculapian professionals she had worked with wished her bid connected her travel arsenic each attraction extracurricular the location ended.
But the bid they had wished for morphed into thing other entirely. Instead of her being capable to dice arsenic she wished, we shifted to in-home hospice, with once-a-week visits from a nurse. My household became full-time caregivers, providing Mom symptom medicine astir the clock, cleaning her, dressing her, and trying to marque her arsenic comfy arsenic imaginable portion we clung to anticipation that her aesculapian assistance successful dying prime would beryllium fulfilled.
She mislaid her mobility, independence, the quality to hug her grandkids, and ― her worst fearfulness ― her dignity. She was incapable to determination oregon communicate, different than grimacing successful pain. Tears slid down her cheeks without immoderate sound, portion her eyes remained eerily fractional open. Her jaw nary longer remained closed, and the liquid medicine pooled and dried supra her chin. When she choked connected her ain vomit arsenic her eyes rolled backmost into her head, we wholly panicked ― not knowing what was happening oregon however to assistance her. It was the other of peaceful.
She lived overmuch longer than the archetypal prognosis successful 2020. However, she did not permission connected her ain terms, adjacent though we had a plan.
Courtesy of Meghan Reese
What went wrong? Who failed us? There’s a agelong database of radical and reasons and reddish portion to blasted for her aesculapian assistance successful dying prime not being honored. None of the whys oregon whos oregon what-ifs substance now. All that matters is that she did not get to dice the mode she wanted to ― and she suffered immensely due to the fact that of it. We each did.
Just 20% of U.S. states person approved aesculapian assistance successful dying. Even though my ma lived successful a right-to-die state, she was not permitted to spot her prime through, and galore others similar her besides person a hard clip securing the accidental they truthful desperately privation owed to bureaucracy, doctors with differing opinions and beliefs, timing issues, and concerns astir ineligible grey areas. We are not successful the epoch of Dr. Kevorkian: Terminal individuals should person a prime and a ineligible close to extremity their ain suffering. We should each know, and beryllium capable to secure, our options if we ever find ourselves facing our deaths.
This speech is not astir ending a life, but astir ending suffering for idiosyncratic who is already dying. As a storyteller, I cognize the ending ever defines the story, and my ma wanted to take however her communicative ended ― however she near this Earth. The determination of the idiosyncratic dying is the lone 1 that should matter.
Until you’ve watched idiosyncratic endure ― aft months of readying truthful they would not person to endure ― you cannot fathom however empowering and loving the prime is. Home hospice was not what I expected it would be, and there’s nary delete fastener for the traumatic memories present replaying connected a loop successful my head. I cannot spell backmost and revise oregon skip that section for myself, my family, oregon my mom.
In the weeks earlier she died, adjacent with the fearfulness and sadness, she was graceful and grateful. “Thank you for trying truthful hard,” she told me. “I emotion you.” I was exhausted, aggravated and traumatized.
During the past days of her life, arsenic she laic semiconscious, my ma heard maine shriek astatine those who indirectly enactment america there, and sob arsenic I mourned the nonaccomplishment of the ending she wanted. I felt similar I failed her.
We did not person the scent of lavender ― we had the odor of big diapers and urine. We did not person soothing tunes ― we had the decease rattle and cries of despair. We did not person prayers ― we had pleas for the beingness to region her tone from the twisted, breached assemblage that nary longer served her.
Courtesy of Meghan Reese
As my ma laic dying successful the pop-up infirmary furniture successful our home, I promised to archer our story. Her story. How it went. How it was expected to go. How brave she was. I felt a work to stock my mom’s communicative to destruct fearfulness oregon shame for idiosyncratic other and their family. To admit the acquisition of escaped volition and prime that we should each beryllium entitled to, and to make a beardown assemblage of end-of-life advocates.
Choosing your ain ending ― oregon supporting your idiosyncratic successful their choices ― is the astir loving last farewell. I bash not cognize however to beforehand a ineligible process that is astir prohibitive by design, and hard for dying radical to take and past implement. I bash not cognize however to marque it much accessible, but I bash cognize that I tin statesman by sharing my mom’s story.
May we each beryllium arsenic brave and courageous arsenic my momma successful deciding for ourselves however we navigate this 1 beingness and permission this Earth. One day, the symptom of her ending volition not perforate my mundane experiences and memories. I take to retrieve her joy, her fight, and grant the girl she raised.
My mom’s past afloat condemnation to maine was, “Please don’t hide astir me.” She died connected June 21, 2022.
Mom's beingness whitethorn beryllium over, but her communicative is not. She lives connected successful maine and done each those who perceive her story. I volition ne'er hide the 1 who taught maine that beingness is an adventure, and we each constitute our ain stories and take our ain ending. In her grant I volition proceed to amended and enactment those experiencing grief and trauma, to person honorable conversations astir the inevitability of death, and to combat for each person’s close to person bid arsenic they permission this Earth. Her communicative lives connected done me, and I volition marque it a page-turner.
Meghan Reese lives successful Colorado with her woman and their 2 boys, ages 9 and 6. She precocious overhauled her vocation from full-time nonprofit enforcement to full-time student, pursuing a master’s grade successful objective intelligence wellness counseling. She plans to harvester her reiki maestro vigor grooming with her aboriginal counseling signifier to assistance others heal from trauma and grief and larn to thrive. Meghan honors her mom’s beingness and bequest by pursuing her imagination of yet sharing her penning with the extracurricular satellite (her mom’s last wish), supporting and counseling others, and by not letting grief bargain her joy. Meghan is simply a first-time (but long-awaited) published writer. Connect and larn much astir her grief and counseling travel connected Instagram @grief_belief_and_all_the_shit.
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